You must read the whole story or you will be confused by this picture...
(6 week test)
Well Chris and I were pregnant!!! YAY US! We had been trying for not very long and found out we were expecting number 2! We were so thrilled and really looking forward to another pregnancy and baby. I was 6 weeks when I found out and already wasn't feeling too hot. With Grayson I had NO problems...except random things like sneezing a ton and twice every time, and bloody noses. But I never threw up or really had morning sickness.
Well This time with number 2 I was constantly nauseous and I should have taken it as a sign of something being wrong. Around 11 weeks I found a little bit of blood. I thought it was no big deal because a lot of people spot during they're pregnancy and everything that I was reading just kept telling me to watch it closely. So I did. A couple days after the first bit of blood I noticed more kept coming and it was really starting to worry me so I was constantly on the phone with my Midwife office. They told me there wasn't much I or they could do. I finally demanded an ultrasound to see if we could see anything going on in there and check on the baby. At this point I hadn't even had a real check up. I was trying to get things worked out with Insurance before I went in for an appointment. My first one had been canceled because they were closing early and my next one hadn't been scheduled for a few more weeks. I always felt if I had had a real appointment they would have known something was wrong. Well I went in on a Tuesday night in June to have an ultrasound. The Tech started on the outside and only found a uterus that was 6 weeks...Remember I was supposed to be 11....So she went inside to get a closer look thinking maybe the baby was too small to see from the outside. She went in and there was a baby.... a baby that was only 6 weeks as well as the sac that was only 6 weeks as well....and she found NO heartbeat. I may have felt my heart stop. I wanted to break down in disbelief. I wanted this baby so badly. The tech told me to come back in in a week because they baby just may be too small to actually see a heartbeat.
On Thursday around 3am I started to have MAJOR contractions (which I had never really felt because the only time I did have them I also had an epidural and could only slightly feel them) THEY WERE MISERABLE. I couldn't sleep and was crunched up in a ball and felt I should head to the bathroom. Well sad moment here...Out comes large masses of bloody tissue which I new was from Baby. I almost was in shock as if I couldn't believe it...I did what I had to and wished Chris was by my side...sadly he was asleep and couldn't hear over the fan in our room. So I crawled back in bed with my broken heart just devastated. Over the next week I had LOTS more bleeding and chunks (sorry if that's really graphic) constant cramping and extreme lower back pain. Finally a week from the first night the last and final piece came flushing out. The pain was gone but the sadness stayed.
It was quite crappy to mourn alone and yet still have to move on with life. I had kids dropped off that next morning. I never got a break and I never really had the chance to just be sad. I would never wish this one anyone but from what I've learned it's more likely than I thought. I never thought it would be me. Not very many people I know have experienced it not even my mom so there wasn't even too much support she could give other than ask how I was doing. My mother in law on the other hand has experienced it so luckily I was able to turn to her with questions and concerns and she was able to answer them and support and in her own way understand how I was feeling. I am thankful for that.
I never felt it was my fault I just knew something was wrong with the baby and it wasn't going to survive. I honestly would rather have a healthy baby that lives than a sick one who struggles. It was very hard wanting to be pregnant and ready to have another baby in our home...accomplishing the first part and then losing it weeks later.
It was hard and still is hard seeing other friends and family who are celebrating their pregnancies when I was also due at the same time. But I know that many of them have had their own struggles. It's hard for me personally but I am so very excited for them and their new little ones.
MORE TO COME...
Well This time with number 2 I was constantly nauseous and I should have taken it as a sign of something being wrong. Around 11 weeks I found a little bit of blood. I thought it was no big deal because a lot of people spot during they're pregnancy and everything that I was reading just kept telling me to watch it closely. So I did. A couple days after the first bit of blood I noticed more kept coming and it was really starting to worry me so I was constantly on the phone with my Midwife office. They told me there wasn't much I or they could do. I finally demanded an ultrasound to see if we could see anything going on in there and check on the baby. At this point I hadn't even had a real check up. I was trying to get things worked out with Insurance before I went in for an appointment. My first one had been canceled because they were closing early and my next one hadn't been scheduled for a few more weeks. I always felt if I had had a real appointment they would have known something was wrong. Well I went in on a Tuesday night in June to have an ultrasound. The Tech started on the outside and only found a uterus that was 6 weeks...Remember I was supposed to be 11....So she went inside to get a closer look thinking maybe the baby was too small to see from the outside. She went in and there was a baby.... a baby that was only 6 weeks as well as the sac that was only 6 weeks as well....and she found NO heartbeat. I may have felt my heart stop. I wanted to break down in disbelief. I wanted this baby so badly. The tech told me to come back in in a week because they baby just may be too small to actually see a heartbeat.
On Thursday around 3am I started to have MAJOR contractions (which I had never really felt because the only time I did have them I also had an epidural and could only slightly feel them) THEY WERE MISERABLE. I couldn't sleep and was crunched up in a ball and felt I should head to the bathroom. Well sad moment here...Out comes large masses of bloody tissue which I new was from Baby. I almost was in shock as if I couldn't believe it...I did what I had to and wished Chris was by my side...sadly he was asleep and couldn't hear over the fan in our room. So I crawled back in bed with my broken heart just devastated. Over the next week I had LOTS more bleeding and chunks (sorry if that's really graphic) constant cramping and extreme lower back pain. Finally a week from the first night the last and final piece came flushing out. The pain was gone but the sadness stayed.
It was quite crappy to mourn alone and yet still have to move on with life. I had kids dropped off that next morning. I never got a break and I never really had the chance to just be sad. I would never wish this one anyone but from what I've learned it's more likely than I thought. I never thought it would be me. Not very many people I know have experienced it not even my mom so there wasn't even too much support she could give other than ask how I was doing. My mother in law on the other hand has experienced it so luckily I was able to turn to her with questions and concerns and she was able to answer them and support and in her own way understand how I was feeling. I am thankful for that.
I never felt it was my fault I just knew something was wrong with the baby and it wasn't going to survive. I honestly would rather have a healthy baby that lives than a sick one who struggles. It was very hard wanting to be pregnant and ready to have another baby in our home...accomplishing the first part and then losing it weeks later.
It was hard and still is hard seeing other friends and family who are celebrating their pregnancies when I was also due at the same time. But I know that many of them have had their own struggles. It's hard for me personally but I am so very excited for them and their new little ones.
MORE TO COME...
So sorry Scarlet! I had heard you had a miscarriage, thanks for sharing the story. I also like to document everything for my own memory (a very detailed post on Harley's birth is coming soon). I found your story so interesting because you are totally not the normal case. Haha. I pick my father in law's brain about this stuff all the time since he is an OB (especially when I was pregnant). It is more common to have miscarriages if it runs in your family but you said your mom never had one. (Neither had my mom or mother in law so hopefully I will never have to experience that sadness, but Mike and Tranylle miscarried their 1st, runs in her family). It is also LESS common to have a miscarriage if you are feeling nauseous or have morning sickness so again you were backwards with your 1st having no sickness but then did on your 2nd. Haha. You are definitely not the norm. Like you said you had found out, miscarriages are actually really common with 50-75% of pregnancies end in miscarriage before their first appointment then that number obviously goes down the further along you are. Crazy huh?! Even though it doesn't run in my family and I had been sick I was still worried about miscarrying because I had heard about so many people I knew that miscarried at 20 weeks or later! I tried not to get attached to my baby for almost the whole pregnancy in fear of losing her. It is so sad, especially when my FIL said you have to actually fill out a birth certificate if it is 20 weeks or later (I think it was 20 weeks he had said). On a brighter note, congrats this time around! Guess we all could learn how precious these gifts are and not take our babies, and the opportunity to actually get pregnant, for granted. I have so many friends that can not even get pregnant and have done many rounds of IVF. Makes Chris and I so grateful we were able to even get pregnant, and so easily, the 1st time. Hopefully it continues :) I have realized what a blessing it is to have a healthy baby since there hasn't been a healthy baby in my family yet (Mike's having the intestinal issues and my only other nephew, no nieces yet, was born at 32 weeks - my SIL had an abruption - so he also spent his first month in the NICU and has had medical problems due to it). Congrats again! We are thinking of you!
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